Narwhals are Real

by Lightning Lucas

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1.
It didn't bother her when she found out that Santa was a fake, but when the Unicorns all died, well that was all that she could take, Luckily her Momma knew 'bout Unicorns beneath the sea, and if you've got a friend in me, well we have got a friend in these Narwhals, Narwhals, gotta love 'em, Narwhals, Narwhals, I love 'em all, Narwhals, Narwhals, I'm not on drugs, Narwhals, Narwhals, cigarette butts. It didn't bother him when he found out that Elvis really died, but when the Unicorns missed the Ark, well broke down and cried, luckily his Daddy Jim knew about Unicorns that swim, took him down to Sea World just to see 'em, it was on a whim Narwhals, Narwhals, gotta love 'em, Narwhals, Narwhals, I love 'em all, Narwhals, Narwhals, I'm not on drugs, Narwhals, Narwhals, cigarette butts, Narwhals, Narwhals, Narwhals, Narwhals are super awesome, Narwhals, Narwhals, I want one for a pet. What do they do with Sleeper Trains in the middle of the day? Keep them trucking on the tracks, or do they put them away, and if I may interject a simple question, who is They? I may be getting way off track, but I love Narwhals anyway! Narwhals, Narwhals, gotta love 'em, Narwhals, Narwhals, I love 'em all, Narwhals, Narwhals, I'm not on drugs, Narwhals, Narwhals, cigarette butts. Narwhals, Narwhals, Narwhals, Narwhals are super awesome, Narwhals, Narwhals, Mom, can I please have one for a pet. Narwhals.
2.
Dust Mites 02:56
If you can't sleep at night, you just might have Dust Mite bites, turn on the lights to check, they're .4 millimeters big, as easy to see as heck... Dust Mites just might bite, Dust Mite bites bite, You should fight dust mites with all your might, Dust Mites just might bite, Dust Mite bites bite, If you have Dust Mites it sucks. If you are walking through, a market full of animals, and you come across a slow animal, called a Loris, He may seem all fuzzy and nice and that's good, But there's one thing that I think you should know, Slow Lorises just might bight, Slow Lorises bite, One bit my brother on the hand the other day, Slow Lorises just might have all sorts of diseases, But according to the doctor it's unlikely that they would have rabies. Dust Mites just might bite, Dust Mite bites bite, You should fight dust mites with all your might, Dust Mites just might bite, Dust Mite bites bite, If you have Dust Mites it sucks.
3.
We're all ecstatic to have you born again, and wonder what you have in store for us this year, thunder ice and storms that freeze, Happy Early Birthday Jesus. I'm writing now to say I can't await the day on which we celebrate your existing, I wonder who was there for your christening, Grammy gives us presents that sometimes please us, Happy Early Birthday Jesus. Your birthday is so great, let's throw a party and stay up late, We can dance like no one sees us, Happy Early Birthday Jesus. We wanna tell you that we've been good, or should I say we've been great of late, We raked the fall leaves like daddy told us, there's no reason he should've scolded us, Some chocolate calendar candies should help appease us, Happy Early Birthday Jesus Now that Thanksgiving is past, it's time to make the leftover turkey last, that Wal-Mart line is getting long, Mom, it's time to move along, But discount shopping urges seize us, Happy Early Birthday Jesus. It never seems to be too soon, how 'bout September or March or June, how 'bout December the 26th, we can't get enough of last year's fix, the obsession is quite egregious, Happy Early Birthday Jesus. Your birthday is so great, let's throw a party to celebrate, we can dance as if no one sees us, Happy Early Birthday Jesus. Doesn't matter what day, just to say the following will please us, Happy Early Birthday Jesus.
4.
When we were Missionaries, we had a maid, not one who staid with us, but one who we paid, to come to our house and deal with our crap, so some quilt-making Mennonite grandmother's money might land in her lap. Her name was Mayumi, or was it Mayomi, it wasn't Naomi, that's too quilt-making grandmother Mennonite sounding like, and Mayumi/Mayomi was a Filipina, and that's a fact. When we were Missionaries, we had a cat, and then we had two cats, and then we had eight cats, and then we had 17 cats, and then I lost track of how many cats we had, but my sister had names for the whole fleet, like Simba and Nala and Amos and Pete, isn't she sweet. When we were Missionaries, we had a dog, just like Pavlov. We got this do as a puppy, so we had to name it, so I got a dictionary, started with A, went page by page, by page by page, got to the word for Brie Cheese, we chose to spell it with two Es, these are true stories. When we were Missionaries, we often rode tricycles, this is true, they were really motorcycles with a side cart, but we called them tricycles, you should've see how many people they put in one, it was like 17, and they were really noisy, and there were no emissions standards, that was standard. When we were Missionaries, we ate a food called Balout, It was a fertilized duck egg, and we agreed it was nasty, When we were Missionaries, we had some pigeons, they lived in our Mango tree, in a big cage covered in pigeon poop, sometimes Mayumi/Mayomi would take some homey and make a stewy, this was okay with us because we had quite a fewy When we were Missionaries, we had a maid, Mayumi/Mayomi, that was her name, She ironed our underwear without any shame, She ironed our underwear, Yeah.
5.
GCFD 04:50
Greater Chicago Food Depository x3 Packaging pasta, food for everybody Hair nets for Rastas, dreads are pretty nasty, At least in macaroni, they belong on your head, not in what we've been packing, so please, store them elsewhere instead of at the, Greater Chicago Food Depository x3 Maple Granola smells quite wonderfully, unfortunatnatly, I cannot have any, unless I'm really stealthy, it's okay because it's healthy, it's not intended for the wealthy, but who defines wealthy at the, Greater Chicago Food Depository x3 I'm always happy, here at the GCFD, It's always a party working with me and Pete. All kinds of people work at the GCFD, but what I've found out is, they're just like you and me Greater Chicago Food Depository x2 It's also known as the GCFDepository

about

These are the funniest of my funny songs over the last few years.

credits

released February 17, 2014

Special thanks to the Closet Under the Stairs recording studio. I did everything except the GCFD song, so check out those credits. Also, Caleb Schrock-Hurst did the lovely Cello on The Narwhal Song.

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about

Lightning Lucas Harrisonburg, Virginia

On July 21, 2013 Lucas was directly hit by a freak lightning bolt. He lived to appreciate the stage name.

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